THE STRUGGLE IS REAL……And REAL WORTHY.

@bradleytmorris and/or Andy, if you don’t want to wade through this, the main thing is that this course, your mentoring and modeling honesty, courage, commitment and authenticity, and the coaching calls–thank you too Karryn–have helped so much in the “but I get up again” part of this “Progress Note To Self.” So thumbs up and namasté!

Sing it with me….”I get knocked down. But I get up again…!
1. GETTING KNOCKED DOWN: My VA abruptly quits. Says she closing her business. She’s also my sister. Who jumped in to start a business in part to help pull me off the ledge of throwing in the towel because I was so overwhelmed and sad and weary of trying. I felt so alone and defeated in this new business creation thing. And she rallied and said “hell no! You are too good at what you do, what you have to say. Don’t stop. I’ll help.” And she did. She is a get-it-done, detail oriented kind of gal. I’m the visionary. She loves me and my visionary-ness. I love her “just do it”, ability to speak in everyday language, attention to detail-ness. It worked well for a while. She showed me a lot. Now she’s not with me and I am back on my own. Downer, Sad. A bit fearful. All my monsters start having a field day. I’m on the emotional floor again.
At first I fought it. And myself. Fought real hard to just force myself to stand and keep going.
Then I turned into the storm and just surrendered. And kept a close eye on my thoughts, my feelings, the rising and falling waves of my energy. And I decided to practice what I preach–meditate and invite Spirit to help clear up the mess of the party-gone-wrong.
2. I GET UP. Yes. I CAN do this. I am not in the same place I was, I know things, I have skills, I have new people who I can ask for feedback, ideas, help. I am capable.
3. I GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN. I jump into Aweber, hit a wall, jump back in again, craft a quick letter to the people on my list–all 41 of them including myself. I jump into Survey Monkey, hit a wall, jump back in again. I put the Survey in Aweber, hit send and wait for it. In literally a few minutes I get my first response. On a scale of 0-10 ( 0 being the least) level of interest in ANY of the topics I asked for feedback on, the response “1”, “0”, “1” and “3”. OK. Ok. It’s just 1 person. Next response was slightly more positive but still VERY bleh. Third response: no real interest indicated, but they wanted to point out that I needed to get someone to proof read, as I had misspelled words and that didn’t look good for trust in coaching competency. Then I got a 10. And another bleh, with additional comments that they don’t have time for long lessons involving lots of homework. Shit.
4. I GET BACK UP AGAIN. I decide that I am not going to be driven or make decisions on the basis of “a list.” The people there–like on every list–are there for diverse reasons. And what the hell am I doing anyway by trying to get love from folks who don’t really get where I am coming from, much less where I am going to. Then comes a private message from a former client saying she hopes I get something off the ground because she has been wanting more of what I do for a long time.
O.K. Now what?
5. I have a website to get up. And no VA or web developer. The photographer comes to show me the pics she got–WOWZA! I’m excited. I go tootling around on Facebook and find a list of Divi developers. I check them out. Then I see in my news feed a Udemy course on sale from $79 to $27 giving instructions on the DIVI theme I purchased. O.K. Let’s see about this.
6. I intend for my website to be the home of my message, my offers, my inspiration and gifts to others, and an accurate reflection of and honoring of my soul. This is kind of a big deal. And I want to get it “live” asap. Mountain gets steep again, but my climbing gear is cleaned up and I trust it.
7. I am still shedding the skin of my old disguise–had no idea how tenacious that old mask would be to take off. Clearing out old imbedded self-limiting legacy junk. Asking for help from good folks. Kind folks. Creative folks. Enthusiastic and positive folks. Brave folks. Loving folks.
8. Back to the Creatora Heights drawing board. TO BEGIN AGAIN.
10. With the support of hands–visibile and invisible, and the vision of my own irrepressible spirit, I RISE.

Thanks, @andyfreist. My daughter used to be a hunter equestrian and their falls were referred to as “unplanned dismounts.” So many times I saw riders–my baby girl included–take a hard fall, lay there until they could catch their breath again, slowly get up (checking for broken bones), limp out of the arena, take a drink (presumably of water!) and then limp back over to their horse and mount up again. To try the jump one more time. No quitting until you successfully got over at least one more hurtle. Then, well, who wants to stop when you just did something successful? The fall already drifting into the background, replaced by the satisfaction of “making it over.” If we look–and listen–we are shown how is done. No one is alone. Thanks again for your comments.